Thesisit

One of the reasons I decided to blog again last September was to get away from writing my thesis by writing about my thesis. The funny thing is, it’s November now and I’ve written nary a word about it.

Since I was a new freshman in UPLB, I’ve always feared, like FEARED, writing my thesis. I would go to the reading room and pull out random manuscripts, look at the incomprehensible tables and statistical graphs, and worry that one day I’d be writing my own and how that would be so scary and dreadful. Well, as it turned out, it wasn’t so bad. It was challenging, yes, but nowhere near the level of difficulty as I’d imagined.

Then I entered grad school in 2007 and once again revisited my great fear of ze thesis. It was only exacerbated by my colleagues’ troubled stories of their own research experiences. So for three years I dreaded First Semester 2010, when I’d finally start writing it. Unlike my thesis experience in my undergraduate years, this time I’ve found that it really is tough. I’ve read more books/references over the past few months than I have in all my years of grad school combined and yet sometimes it feels like it isn’t enough. The topic is not the problem because I do like the subject of my research. It’s the approach/perspective that’s new to me. So instead of simply focusing on what to write (which really should be my main task), I’ve also been in the process of learning how to write it.

I’ve turned into a worrywart. Every hour I think about it, how there isn’t enough time to read all the references I need to, among many other things. And if worrying about it weren’t enough, I’ve been having nightmares too. A few weeks ago I dreamed about the general systems theory. My dream was all text on a white canvas. Ironically, my research has nothing to do with the theory. The whole idea is even “opposed” to it! Apparently, ze thesis has occupied my mind and my subconscious.

When I take a break from working on my proposal, the world wants to remind me of it. One of the subject areas of my research is “appropriation” and I find it convenient how a character in a TV show I’m watching decides to use the word in his dialogue. Or how a blog entry I’m reading employs the term to explain something. Or when I’m about to search for a torrent, the search bar autofills it with “appropriation.” It’s become a you-can-run-but-you-can’t-hide kind of thing.

A colleague told me the other day that in her last year of grad school she endured sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how she was going to proceed with her thesis. It is comforting to know that the people around me also underwent  the same phase and are now happily thesis-free. My thesis song still remains to be Alanis Morissette’s Out is Through, my go-to tune when I was an undergraduate thesis student. I quote,

The only way out is through, the faster we’re in the better.

These words of wisdom/inspiration were easier to heed in 2004. Six years later the words still encourage but I seriously wonder how I’ll be able to get through and when I’ll be able to get out.