Jealousy/Envy

I didn’t always love Natalie Merchant. For sure, her music could find a comfortable place in 90% of my playlists but it’s more of an acquired taste. I used to think of her as someone that capably produced fine sounds but, unlike similar artists (e.g., Suzanne Vega, Tracy Chapman, Patty Griffin), lacked the je ne sais quoi that just draws you in as a listener, making you want to discover the artist or storyteller in the performer.

Then again, I guess that’s part of her charm. She doesn’t have mad strong vocals but she certainly has a unique sound. Most of her songs lack an energy but she does produce beautiful, if not catchy, melodies. The lazy quality of some of her pieces makes for perfect coffee shop music but if you listen closely, there’s poetry in the words. 

There’s this song of hers I’ve had in my playlist for five years now but it was only a few weeks ago that I really listened to the lyrics. And, just like most of her other songs, I developed a newfound appreciation for this track. It’s called Jealousy.

Is she the sort
You’ve always thought
Could make you
What you’re not?

Listening to the song reminded me of the hairline that separates jealousy and envy, two commonly confused terms. According to Diffen:

Envy is the emotion when one wants something that someone or something else has.

On the other hand, jealousy is the emotion when you fear something or someone might be taken away from you.

You probably wouldn’t admit to either insecurity, especially when it gets the best of you. When it keeps you awake at night, when it interrupts your train of thought, when it leaves you staring out the bus window that you almost forget your stop.

But you’d probably find it easier to confess to envy. After all, there’s no harm making (what you believe are) inevitable comparisons with others to approximate your distance from your desired state. You could always reason that you have a plan to get somewhere, and we all know that it’s where you’re going (not where you’ve been) that matters. When you’re envious, you’re just a green-eyed monster.

But jealousy, oh jealousy. What a paranoid it makes you with the images that (you) form in your head. What energy it makes you expend to disguise your anxiety, that coolness you project that everything’s all right. Yet in your lonesome you brood on how long before your possession falls from your grip. But you fight it and you don’t show it. Because you know that in the fit of erroneous jealousy, you’re neither possessive nor proprietorial — you’re just pathetic.

Sometimes
Tell me while she’s touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?